Amy Catharine

Almost four weeks ago, my sister Amy passed away. I held her hand as she passed from this physical world to the heavenly realm.

Amy had many physical struggles. Cerebral palsy, autism, epilepsy, and a genetic disorder. She was never able to speak or walk on her own. She had plenty to say though – she mastered The Look and freely offered it to anyone who she felt deserved it :)

Despite her special needs, she proved doctors wrong over and over again. We were 16 months apart. Amy was the oldest. We shared cribs, clothing, hair accessories, and bedrooms. She used to crawl in my bed and wake me up. During her hospital stays during the past few years, I’d crawl into her hospital bed and we’d watch tv during the night shift.

 

me and amy

I’ve never known life without her. I knew the moment she was gone, before the monitors sounded the alarm. I can’t quite describe it, but I knew. 

People have asked me how I am doing. Honestly, part of me doesn’t want to think about it. In my normal day-to-day activities, I can function if I push it all away. But the grief is still there, waiting. Like a tidal wave, and it’s so huge, I can’t really comprehend it. I know it’s inevitable, and it’s just a matter of time.

 

deepimpact tidalwave

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear."
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

 

Maybe one day I can articulate my thoughts coherently. For now, I just have this brief post I wrote the night after my sister died.

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My sweet sister stepped into the arms of Jesus last night. She knows no more pain, no more suffering. She is whole and complete, finally dancing, talking, singing. We grieve, but not without Hope.

“Children of the Heavenly Father
Safely in His bosom gather
Nestling bird nor star in heaven
Such a refuge e'er was given

God His own doth tend and nourish
In His holy courts they flourish
From all evil things He spares them
In His mighty arms He bears them

Neither life nor death shall ever
From the Lord His children sever
Unto them His grace He showeth
And their sorrows all He knoweth

Though He giveth or He taketh
God His children ne'er forsaketh
His the loving purpose solely
To preserve them pure and holy

Lo their very hairs He numbers
And no daily care encumbers
Them that share His ev'ry blessing
And His help in woes distressing

Praise the Lord in joyful numbers
Your Protector never slumbers
At the will of your Defender
Ev'ry foe man must surrender.

Children of the Heavenly Father
Safely in His bosom gather
Nestling bird nor star in heaven
Such a refuge e'er was given”

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3 comments:

  1. Romans 8:26 (ESV)

    Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.

    You're articulating better than I am. My heart is so filled with pain. You were the best sister to Amy she could have EVER asked for! You were loved deeply by her :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is so sweet, and sad at the same time. I'm glad you are able to see hope, but I'm still sorry for your loss. I stumbled across this post because you commented on my very first post...almost 2 years ago :) Hugs and healing to you and your family
    -Steph

    ReplyDelete
  3. Steph - thank you for your kind words. I remember you, and look at your blog now! You've really taken off! Love all your work. :)

    ReplyDelete

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